Word count: 805
Summary: "I've always wanted to be a lesbian," House said, feeling up his chest in the cafeteria.
Warnings: Genderfuck, crack, um, femslash?
Notes: There really is no excuse for writing this, though I blame the SGA fandom for permanently warping my brain.
"I've always wanted to be a lesbian," House said, feeling up his chest in the cafeteria. Wilson was just grateful that he was wearing a shirt while he was doing it, even though they still garnered some weird stares.
He shook his head and stuck a fork into his salad, trying to avoid readjusting his own breasts. The whole feminist "bra-burning" thing was making more sense by the second. "You watch too much of The L Word," Wilson replied. "Can't be good for your sanity."
"Please, like you haven't been appreciating the multiple orgasms on your off time," House said. He wiggled a couple fingers in Wilson's face. They were oddly dainty. It was disconcerting.
Wilson rolled his eyes. "No, I haven't. I've been catching up on paperwork." He had been, along with staring at himself naked in the mirror, admiring how hot he was. But he wasn't about to tell House that.
House snorted. "You would." He tossed a potato chip into his mouth and wiping a hand against his khaki pants, leaving behind a greasy smear. Wilson tried not to cringe at the sight of it. "Have you noticed that Cuddy has been on an even bigger power trip lately? You totally would have thought she'd calm down after getting over her penis envy."
That got another eyeroll from Wilson. "You just miss her breasts." He speared a cherry tomato into his mouth and resisted the urge to stare at House's. Or his own. He had never really realized how much of a breast man he was until the whole... thing.
"Of course, I miss her breasts. Though I guess there's something to be said for staring at yours." House gave his best leer, which wasn't quite as impressive on his softer, more female face, but it was still pretty impressive.
Wilson did give into the urge to stare at his own chest, then. It definitely wasn't as impressive as Cuddy's. It was sort of depressing to think about it. "It's not the same."
"No, it's not. I also can't believe that you're turning into a girl for real. You know you have a nice rack." House leaned over and grabbed a breast with one hand. Before Wilson could even get out an indignant, "Hey!", House squeezed, which just felt mildly uncomfortable more than anything else. "And besides," House continued, lowering his voice a bit. "Cuddy would never let me feel her up in the cafeteria."
If it weren't for the undercurrent on affection in House's voice (really, really buried, but Wilson knew what to look for), Wilson have said that he wouldn't let House feel him up in the cafeteria, but as it was, he didn't really say anything at all. "How's Cameron doing?" He'd already seen Foreman and Chase wandering around the hospital, though it hadn't really surprised him to see that Chase was as pretty a girl as he was a guy.
"She squirms a lot during the differential. It's annoying." Another chip, and House was really going to have to wash those pants before giving them back to Dr. Bayes in Gyno.
"Well, she's not used to sitting with a penis. Cut her a little slack." It had been awkward, the first few days, without that familiar weight between his legs, but then again, everything had been awkward. Wilson still couldn't quite get over the peeing-sitting-down part.
House rolled his eyes. "Whatever. They should be done with the tests by now." He stood up slowly, and it was a little weird to see him as a woman, leaning on his cane as he pulled himself out of the chair. Wilson was not equipped to handle mass sex changes well. "You're coming over later tonight, right?" House said, deliberately casual. "We can watch some more of The L Word. Also, I talked to Whitner this morning. Picked up a few tips." He wiggled his bizarrely dainty fingers in front of Wilson's face again. It wasn't as disconcerting as the last time he did it. And it was bringing up all sorts of images that made Wilson shift uncomfortably in his chair.
"Um," Wilson said. And he wasn't thinking about sex. Or sex with House as a girl. Or how it would be to feel up House's breasts while naked. At all.
House grinned, looking a little like a shark, and sometimes, Wilson really wished House wasn't as smart as he was. "I'll see you at eight, then."
Wilson nodded and stuck a piece of lettuce in his mouth as House left, not imagining going down on House's female body. He told himself that he wasn't going into the girls' bathroom to jerk off right after this, either.
Someone who is not me should totally continue on from here. Seriously.
ETA: zulu has happily provided! Go read it here.