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23 March 2007 @ 04:00 pm
The One Where They're Girls (House, House/Wilson)  
Title: The One Where They're Girls
Fandom: House
Pairing: House/Wilson
Word count: 805
Rating: R
Summary: "I've always wanted to be a lesbian," House said, feeling up his chest in the cafeteria.
Warnings: Genderfuck, crack, um, femslash?
Notes: There really is no excuse for writing this, though I blame the SGA fandom for permanently warping my brain.



"I've always wanted to be a lesbian," House said, feeling up his chest in the cafeteria. Wilson was just grateful that he was wearing a shirt while he was doing it, even though they still garnered some weird stares.

He shook his head and stuck a fork into his salad, trying to avoid readjusting his own breasts. The whole feminist "bra-burning" thing was making more sense by the second. "You watch too much of The L Word," Wilson replied. "Can't be good for your sanity."

"Please, like you haven't been appreciating the multiple orgasms on your off time," House said. He wiggled a couple fingers in Wilson's face. They were oddly dainty. It was disconcerting.

Wilson rolled his eyes. "No, I haven't. I've been catching up on paperwork." He had been, along with staring at himself naked in the mirror, admiring how hot he was. But he wasn't about to tell House that.

House snorted. "You would." He tossed a potato chip into his mouth and wiping a hand against his khaki pants, leaving behind a greasy smear. Wilson tried not to cringe at the sight of it. "Have you noticed that Cuddy has been on an even bigger power trip lately? You totally would have thought she'd calm down after getting over her penis envy."

That got another eyeroll from Wilson. "You just miss her breasts." He speared a cherry tomato into his mouth and resisted the urge to stare at House's. Or his own. He had never really realized how much of a breast man he was until the whole... thing.

"Of course, I miss her breasts. Though I guess there's something to be said for staring at yours." House gave his best leer, which wasn't quite as impressive on his softer, more female face, but it was still pretty impressive.

Wilson did give into the urge to stare at his own chest, then. It definitely wasn't as impressive as Cuddy's. It was sort of depressing to think about it. "It's not the same."

"No, it's not. I also can't believe that you're turning into a girl for real. You know you have a nice rack." House leaned over and grabbed a breast with one hand. Before Wilson could even get out an indignant, "Hey!", House squeezed, which just felt mildly uncomfortable more than anything else. "And besides," House continued, lowering his voice a bit. "Cuddy would never let me feel her up in the cafeteria."

If it weren't for the undercurrent on affection in House's voice (really, really buried, but Wilson knew what to look for), Wilson have said that he wouldn't let House feel him up in the cafeteria, but as it was, he didn't really say anything at all. "How's Cameron doing?" He'd already seen Foreman and Chase wandering around the hospital, though it hadn't really surprised him to see that Chase was as pretty a girl as he was a guy.

"She squirms a lot during the differential. It's annoying." Another chip, and House was really going to have to wash those pants before giving them back to Dr. Bayes in Gyno.

"Well, she's not used to sitting with a penis. Cut her a little slack." It had been awkward, the first few days, without that familiar weight between his legs, but then again, everything had been awkward. Wilson still couldn't quite get over the peeing-sitting-down part.

House rolled his eyes. "Whatever. They should be done with the tests by now." He stood up slowly, and it was a little weird to see him as a woman, leaning on his cane as he pulled himself out of the chair. Wilson was not equipped to handle mass sex changes well. "You're coming over later tonight, right?" House said, deliberately casual. "We can watch some more of The L Word. Also, I talked to Whitner this morning. Picked up a few tips." He wiggled his bizarrely dainty fingers in front of Wilson's face again. It wasn't as disconcerting as the last time he did it. And it was bringing up all sorts of images that made Wilson shift uncomfortably in his chair.

"Um," Wilson said. And he wasn't thinking about sex. Or sex with House as a girl. Or how it would be to feel up House's breasts while naked. At all.

House grinned, looking a little like a shark, and sometimes, Wilson really wished House wasn't as smart as he was. "I'll see you at eight, then."

Wilson nodded and stuck a piece of lettuce in his mouth as House left, not imagining going down on House's female body. He told himself that he wasn't going into the girls' bathroom to jerk off right after this, either.


FIN.

Someone who is not me should totally continue on from here. Seriously.

ETA: zulu has happily provided! Go read it here.
 
 
 
Lala: Nothing else in the world / angiescullylalablue on March 23rd, 2007 08:14 pm (UTC)
I'm confuzzeled, why is everyone a different sex?
paidkiller on March 23rd, 2007 08:20 pm (UTC)
seconded! But also intrigued!
(no subject) - thedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 08:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - paidkiller on March 28th, 2007 05:44 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 08:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - lalablue on March 23rd, 2007 08:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Mushroom Samurai_dragoonqueen on March 23rd, 2007 08:28 pm (UTC)
oh this was WONDERFUL! made me snigger away happily.
good work XD
thedeadparrot: lightthedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 08:48 pm (UTC)
Many thanks! I had entirely too much fun writing it.
kalimyre: McShep flexible by mmmchellekalimyre on March 23rd, 2007 08:35 pm (UTC)
Hee! Have also been through the SGA fandom, so accepted the mass sex change thing without blinking. And love this! I'm trying to picture House as a girl. It helps having seen Hugh Laurie in drag. *g*
thedeadparrot: rodneythedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 08:51 pm (UTC)
Seriously. That fandom is smoking so much crack, I can barely believe it. But it's awesome, amazing crack, too, so yeah.

Glad you liked it!
daisylily: eating Chinese and laughing: houselollydaisylily on March 23rd, 2007 08:39 pm (UTC)
You are insane! (but in a totally good way XD)

More?...
thedeadparrot: it's alrightthedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 09:11 pm (UTC)
I totally blame the SGA fandom. I used to write like, deep, thoughtful angst. Now I'm just like, "I should totally turn them into girls! And have House be completely obsessed with his own breasts!"

Um, I have no idea if there's more to this that I can write. Which is why I'm foisting the responsibility onto other people. Who are not me.
from the people who brought you stalin:: HL -- trailerearlwyn on March 23rd, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC)
You're crazy. I love it.

And I totally second your "someone should continue this who is not me" campaign. Alas, though, I am me and therefore cannot continue this either.

Hm. Wilson would be such a pretty girl.
thedeadparrot: wilsonthedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 09:29 pm (UTC)
It's the crack talking. It makes me write these things.

And yes, someone should continue it. Because yes! There would be sex! And awkwardness! And maybe Wilson with PMS who doesn't realize that House also has PMS because his mood doesn't actually change at all. Also, House trying to get a good look at Cuddy's penis, because he would totally want to compare sizes.
(no subject) - earlwyn on March 23rd, 2007 10:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 10:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - earlwyn on March 23rd, 2007 10:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - earlwyn on March 23rd, 2007 10:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thedeadparrot on March 24th, 2007 01:55 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - earlwyn on March 24th, 2007 02:03 am (UTC) (Expand)
katarzi on March 23rd, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC)
oh my god. YOU WROTE GENDERFUCK.

i love you. <3
thedeadparrot: eowyn judethedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 09:31 pm (UTC)
Of course. If there's one thing the House fandom doesn't have enough of, it's genderfuck. Seriously.
dangomango on March 23rd, 2007 08:43 pm (UTC)
Someone who is not me should totally continue on from here. Seriously.
Oh god, please? I am...*flails*
thedeadparrot: beauty breakdownthedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 09:35 pm (UTC)
If you're asking if you could continue on from here, I give you me my encouragement and my blessing.

If you're asking if someone else should continue on from here, I wholeheartedly agree.
(no subject) - dangomango on March 24th, 2007 01:03 am (UTC) (Expand)
Ariel aka Eryeryslash on March 23rd, 2007 08:43 pm (UTC)
Omfg.
LOL.
Total, utter LOL xDDDDD
This makes my day. Week. Whatever: I just love it.
thedeadparrot: focused!housethedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 09:39 pm (UTC)
I am glad! House is totally digging this girl-thing.
elgato_gamgins on March 23rd, 2007 08:46 pm (UTC)
At first, I thought House was just thinking about being a woman, and then I'm like,"Oh! I wonder what Wilson does with ties now."

Someone who is not me should totally continue on from here. Seriously.

But you're doing so great! I say you should go for it!
thedeadparrot: going placesthedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 09:44 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha. I should probably have explained the set up in a bit more detail, but having it be in media res was too tempting to pass up.

Also, thanks! I may continue. Or I may not. But someone else should totally do it so I can enjoy it without having to write it myself.
Dee Laundrydeelaundry on March 23rd, 2007 09:35 pm (UTC)
I love it. Yum. And House getting pointers from Whitner - LOL.

Loved the last line, except girls don't really jerk off. Then I realized I know probably a dozen slang terms for a man masturbating and none for a woman. Sad.
thedeadparrot: happiness is a warm gunthedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 09:53 pm (UTC)
Thanks. :) Yeah, I wasn't entirely sure about that, since you're right, the motion is completely different, but I've heard it being referred to as jerking off before, so I figured I'd leave it like that. And yeah, I really can't think of any slang terms for it either.
The things a Google search can find. - radiobroadcast on March 24th, 2007 04:38 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: The things a Google search can find. - thedeadparrot on March 24th, 2007 04:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: The things a Google search can find. - saints_below on March 24th, 2007 04:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
woodencoyote: guestroomwoodencoyote on March 23rd, 2007 09:41 pm (UTC)
I can never unread this... o_o
thedeadparrotthedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 09:47 pm (UTC)
Uh, I'm sorry? I did put up warnings for pretty much all the stuff in here, so hopefully you had some idea of what you were getting into?
(no subject) - woodencoyote on March 23rd, 2007 09:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 09:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - woodencoyote on March 23rd, 2007 10:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Elva Barr: wilson--amused; bored; shockedelva_barr on March 23rd, 2007 09:44 pm (UTC)
This was awesome. I totally see House parading his boobs in front of everybody.

I'll volunteer to continue, if you let me. I'm in a bit of a writing jam, and lesbian porn with House seems like the perfect thing to get me out.
thedeadparrot: housethedeadparrot on March 23rd, 2007 09:58 pm (UTC)
House is totally in love with his boobs.

Also, I'm totally cool with you continuing, as long as you're cool with letting other people write their own continuations if they choose to do so. :)
(no subject) - elva_barr on March 23rd, 2007 10:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
warmdarkwoman on March 23rd, 2007 10:23 pm (UTC)
This is LOLtastic!

And I think that the inclusion of the phrase "jerk off" is funny and telling; it shows how Wilson, even though he has a vagina, still thinks like a man.

I would love it if someone would continue this.
thedeadparrot: chicken littlethedeadparrot on March 24th, 2007 01:05 am (UTC)
Thanks! And yeah, Wilson totally still thinks of himself as a guy, even though he's got boobs. (Though he's a little afraid that likes the boobs too much.)

And elva_barr has said that she'll write more of it! So yeah, someone probably will.
Gunbunny: shep okayburntcopper on March 23rd, 2007 11:26 pm (UTC)
:snerk: And yes, it really does go to show how SGA warps people. 'oh look, another mpreg story. The thing is, is this comedy mpreg, serious mpreg, mpreg that will get the characters together, and - they made Rodney go off coffee? The bastards!'

And heh to Wilson being pouty that his cleavage isn't as impresive as Cuddy's.
thedeadparrot: mentallyscarred!Wilsonthedeadparrot on March 24th, 2007 01:10 am (UTC)
The SGA fandom has magical mind-warping skills. It's actually kind of scary. And yes, making Rodney go off coffee is cruel and unusual punishment. Those bastards, indeed.

And Wilson is totally insecure about his breast size. It's a little hilarious.
bleached_drama: taremakibleached_drama on March 23rd, 2007 11:31 pm (UTC)
Ohmygawdthankyou. That was awesome. And kind of hot. ^^; If you do continue this, I'd love to see some Cuddy in there...

I wasn't thinking OT3 when I typed that, but wow, what an image.
thedeadparrot: flyingthedeadparrot on March 24th, 2007 01:19 am (UTC)
Oh, man. guy!Cuddy would be kind of scary. And yeah, House/Cuddy/Wilson would be kind of awesome. And hot. With like them relearning how to have straight sex in these bodies and stuff.

Again, someone should totally write that.