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25 March 2007 @ 12:55 pm
The One Where Wilson Finds A Triceratops In His Office (House, House/Wilson)  
Title: The One Where Wilson Finds A Triceratops In His Office
Fandom: House
Pairing: House/Wilson
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,318
Summary: Wilson finds a triceratops in his office.
Warnings: crack, dinosaurs, stealth-slash
Notes: My favorite dinosaur as a kid was the triceratops. Those horns were badass. Many thanks to savemoony for helping me out with parts of this. Also, the dinosaurs in this story are not necessarily drawn to scale.

Podfic read by dragonwrangler.

One day, Wilson found a triceratops in his office.

"Um," he said, blinking a few times in order to figure out what it was doing there. It was a fairly large triceratops. Or maybe just a normal sized one. It took up most of the free space in Wilson's office, and Wilson wasn't entirely sure of what to do with it. He stared at it for a while, waiting to see if it would do anything, just so he had some idea of how to deal with it.

The triceratops started eating some of the paperwork off his desk. Wilson would have objected to to this if it didn't give him a valid excuse for why those drug trial forms weren't done on time.

He was tempted to yell at it, but its horns were a bit scary (all three of them), and he wasn't quite sure he wasn't crazy, yet. So he did the next best thing: he went to go yell at House.

"Why is there a triceratops in my office?" It was a little hard to keep his face from twitching.

House was reading a magazine, Teen Beat, probably. Quite possibly an article about how cute that kid from The O.C. was. He was also sucking on a lollipop that was definitely stolen from an exam room drawer. Wilson resisted the urge to strangle him. "Maybe one of your ex-wives got mad at you. They've been known to get revenge in some horrifying ways."

Wilson bit his tongue and sighed deeply, trying to get himself back under control. "That thing with the toilet paper was entirely your fault," he said, evenly.

"No, actually it was because you were sleeping with your lawyer's secretary, but it's a good guess. They don't like me very much, do they?" House hadn't looked up from his magazine for a second. It was actually somewhat annoying.

Wilson rubbed his forehead. "How the hell am I supposed get any work done?" He needed to finish those drug trial forms. Eventually, at least.

"Wait, you actually do work? And here I thought you spent your free time brushing up on your foosball skills." That got a look from House. A disdainful look, but at least it was something.

Wilson put his hands on his hips and glared. "Whatever. How do I get it out of my office?"

That garnered an eyeroll. "You keep on talking to me like I care."

"Fine." Wilson stormed out, still not knowing what to do with the dinosaur in his office. And he didn't even get to do some high quality yelling, either.


Cuddy rolled her eyes when Wilson explained the situation. "Why do you even have a triceratops in you office?"

"I don't know! I'm just trying to get rid of it!" Wilson hated the world right now. Hate. Hate Hate. Hate.

Cuddy nodded and pursed her lips. "Well, I think I'm going to need to get board approval for this one. Who knows how expensive it is for dinosaur removal?"

"The next board meeting is in two days!" Wilson yelled, which was annoying, because he was usually much better at this sort of thing. The not-yelling-at-your-boss thing. "I need to get work done between now and then, and it keeps eating my paperwork!"

Cuddy raised an eyebrow and looked skeptical, in that, how-much-of-a-moron-do-you-think-I-am sort of way. "That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard. And I've heard House's."

Wilson resisted the urge to scream really loudly and pull out his hair.


He decided to camp out in the Oncology lounge with the TiVo in the background and paperwork in the foreground, but that meant going back to his office and staging a confrontation with the triceratops.

"It's a fucking herbivore," he muttered to himself. "What the hell is it going to do to you?"

He tried not to imagine his gored out innards staining the carpeting of his office. House probably wouldn't put up another stink if they tried to replace it, though Wilson liked to pretend House cared that much. It was a nice thought.

The triceratops had switched to the potted plants, at least, so some of the paperwork was salvageable. Wilson tried not to feel too disappointed.

He gave it his most charming smile. The dinosaur just blinked at him for a moment, before going back to destroying the plants, which gave Wilson about five feet of wiggle room so that he could make a dive for the desk. The triceratops looked a little startled by the sudden movement, but it seemed to (correctly) deduce that Wilson wasn't a threat, and went about it's business.

Unfortunately, that business seemed to involved excreting something that was probably very much like shit onto the floor of Wilson's office. Wilson grimaced. They were definitely going to need to replace his carpet. Even without the blood and the guts on it.


"Your triceratops is stinking up the entire fucking hallway," House announced as he barged into the Oncology lounge. "You should clean up after it."

Wilson was now caught up on about two weeks of paperwork. Amazing what you could get done without a computer in front of you. "It's not my triceratops. And if some people helped me get it out of my office, it wouldn't be an issue, would it?"

"Whatever," House said, with an apathetic wave. "Cuddy's after me to do my clinic hours. I think I'll go hide out in Exam Room 3. I don't think the smell's permeated that far."

Wilson glared at his back as he left.


Wilson realized that maybe he needed to get his jacket out of his office, hopefully before it got too smelly. He decided that it was a bit of lost cause when he got to the correct floor, because it stank.

But then again, Wilson was an oncologist, so he figured that he was already kind of a sucker for lost causes anyway and soldiered on.

The office smelled even worse than the hallway, and Wilson had to hold an arm across his face in order to block the smell. The fecal matter was kind of clumped together near the door, and he kind of stared at it with a horrified, yet fascinated, expression.

The triceratops made a sort of whimpering sound that vaguely resembled an elephant dying (not that Wilson had first hand experience or anything). It also looked at him with baleful eyes, and Wilson started feeling bad for it. It hadn't asked to be stuck in Wilson's office any more than Wilson did. And if Wilson was magically transported into someone else's office, he would want someone to clean up his shit if he couldn't do it himself.

He visited the janitor's closet for a broom and a dust pan, along with a mop and a bucket. It wasn't fun, exactly, cleaning up after it, but afterward, the triceratops made a sound that didn't sound quite as much like a dying elephant. It was a bit happier than that.

Wilson was very pleased with himself.


Because all his own office plants had already been eaten, he decided to steal some of Dr. Brown's.

It wasn't like he'd notice or anything, and Wilson was still his boss.


He propped open the balcony door, so the triceratops could get some fresh air, and pet its tail before leaving for the day. It made that almost-happy sound again, and Wilson smiled.


The next day, Wilson fed the triceratops some more office plants. He cleaned up the new droppings, and went about his day, getting all his actual work done in the Oncology lounge.

He walked by House's office five times that morning before realizing there was a stegosaurus in the Diagnostics conference room. The sixth time, he'd been so surprised that he'd stopped dead in the middle of the hallway, staring at it. It didn't stare back. Wilson wasn't resentful of that at all. Or of the fact that House apparently got one too. Even if it was a different species.

He figured that this sort of thing required an explanation from House, so he decided to visit.

House was in his office, doing something on his computer that looked distinctly not like work. In fact, it looked a lot like Super Mario World. House always did have a fondness for the SNES and SNES emulators.

"You do know there's a stegosaurus in your conference room, right?" Wilson asked him.

"No, because I'm both blind and a moron." House's Yoshi swallowed a blue shell and began flying across the screen. The speakers weren't turned up, so there was no music. That made Wilson a little sad. He really liked the Mario music.

"What are you going to do about it?" In the other room, the stegosaurus turned toward the hallway, staring at the various confused hospital staff who were passing by. You could tell which ones had already seen it, because they didn't even blink. The new ones had a tendency to walk into walls.

House shrugged. "Eh, I think I'll leave it. Gives me an excuse not to do work. Can't exactly do a differential without a conference room, can I?"

"So you're just leaving it there?" The small, pixelated Mario stomped on a goomba and jumped over a gap.

"Yeah, why not? The minions are taking care of it." There was an absent wave of House's hand as he finished the level. On screen, Mario gave Wilson the peace sign.


The stegosaurus seemed to like Chase the best, and it was somewhat cute in a terrifying way. Wilson watched him hand feed it some of House's mail, once, while Foreman rolled his eyes and went back to his crossword, and Cameron looked a bit jealous.

House didn't seem to be paying it much attention at all, but Wilson knew better; he'd seen House tossing his bouncy ball at the stegosaurus' plates, beaming every single time he caught the rebound.


Wilson was rapidly running out of potted plants. At this point, people were beginning to notice that they were going missing.

He decided to start feeding the triceratops more paperwork. It seemed happier that way, and besides, Wilson could bullshit a good excuse to Cuddy.

"I'm going to miss you, you know," Wilson said to it, patting it next to its front horn. It hadn't killed him yet, which was good.

It also made a really happy sounding dying-elephant noise. Next door, the stegosaurus made a replying dying-whale noise. Wilson wondered if House would miss his as well.


The board did eventually approve the several hundred thousand dollars it would take to remove the dinosaurs from the hospital, and Wilson was somewhat relieved to get his office back, even if it would take another two or three days to get it cleaned out again.

But the dinosaurs were leaving for good.

He tried not to feel too down about it.


"I have a house," House announced, while storming into Wilson's office (sadly lacking in dinosaurs).

Wilson didn't bother looking up from his paperwork. Cuddy was still being evil about the drug trials thing. "That better not be some sort of pun. Or a reference to your dick."

He could practically hear House's eyes rolling. "I have a new house with a gigantic backyard and lots of trees. The reason for this should be obvious."

Wilson blinked at him. "You felt like moving? That's usually the reason why people buy new houses."

House made an impatient gesture with his hands. "Well, yes. But you're also moving in with me."

"Why am I doing this?" Wilson squinted at him, trying to figure out what exactly House was trying to pull.

Another impatient gesture accompanied by a how-are-you-this-stupid expression. "No one claimed the dinosaurs. They're ours if we want to keep them."

And then it all clicked into place in Wilson's head. "Oh," he said. "Oh."

House smirked.



So it all happened like this.

They moved in together, and one day, Wilson ended up making out with House with his hands down House's pants, and he wasn't exactly sure how, and House had called him a retard because they were living together with their pet dinosaurs, and Wilson kind of had to concede the point.

Wilson learned that the triceratops was female and started calling it Cera, despite House's protestations that ripping off The Land Before Time was lame.

House learned that the stegosaurus was male, and Wilson started calling it Spike before House thought to stop him.

Wilson stopped feeding Cera paperwork, but when she was really good, he gave her potted plants.

House still insisted that he never played catch with Spike, even though Wilson insisted that he was a big fat liar.

Chase came over when he was bored with Cameron tagging along, and eventually Spike let her feed him House's mail, too.

There was an incident with a lawnmower and a tree branch and the gardener House hired and Spike's tail that Wilson never wanted to think about again, and Cera scared off snooping ex-wives who were looking to one-up that thing with the toilet paper.

House made lots of jokes about how he was the fourth wife, until Wilson started making him sleep on the couch for real, and Cuddy pretended that she didn't know anything, even though she'd caught them making out in a supply closet.

They still went to work, and Wilson was still an oncologist, and House was still a brilliant bastard, and life went on.

And if pushed, Wilson would admit that he was kind of happy like this.

After all, they owned dinosaurs.

Zulu: sga - radek thwartedzulu on March 25th, 2007 05:17 pm (UTC)
You for the blerkin' win, my friend. Truly you have crossbred House and SGA, and I shall call the result "good" and leave it at that. Because any detailed analysis would always come back to and their PET DINOSAURS, and we just can't have that.

So. Go you.
thedeadparrot: rodneythedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 09:26 pm (UTC)
I mean, I would not be averse to detailed analysis of their pet dinosaurs, because seriously, their pet dinosaurs.

And yes. This is all your fault, anyway, for like writing The Physicist Bride and addicting me to SGA. ALL YOUR FAULT.
(no subject) - zulu on March 25th, 2007 09:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - fuzzmonkeys on March 26th, 2007 07:13 am (UTC) (Expand)
Kayleigh Sofiahalfdoomed on March 25th, 2007 05:20 pm (UTC)
This was brilliant. I have no idea why because it really doesn't even make sense but maybe that's why it's so brilliant. It's hilarious and I simply love it. Bravo. :)
thedeadparrot: blindthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 09:30 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I mean, dinosaurs. Who needs an explanation after that?
(no subject) - halfdoomed on March 26th, 2007 03:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
I can see by your outfit that you are a cowboy.: [spn] *giggle*paraserpiente on March 25th, 2007 05:25 pm (UTC)
*snorts* I think you just won.
thedeadparrot: going placesthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 09:33 pm (UTC)
Ooh! Do I get something shiny? I like shiny things.
(no subject) - paraserpiente on March 26th, 2007 04:01 am (UTC) (Expand)
Supreme Dictator of Hyperbole: [HMD] - small hearts - h&wtreelines on March 25th, 2007 05:34 pm (UTC)
I think I love you. Kinda. I mean -- I mean, there are DINOSAURS. House and Wilson are basically living out my childhood dream. And making out. I, oh. I love it. And that little scene with the fellows and Foreman rolling his eyes and Cameron being a little bit jealous was so awesome. Like this was awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome.

thedeadparrot: chicken littlethedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 09:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I totally wanted a dinosaur too, and I was sad that movie, We're Back! wasn't true. Really, really sad.

Also, I'm glad the fellows worked for you, because I'm always worried that I'm not going to get them right.
Steph: Neil Perry theatre happinessstephantom on March 25th, 2007 05:35 pm (UTC)
lolol WTF?! I love this. The whimsical tone is so great and I love how everyone takes this all pretty much in stride - Wilson's response to the dinosaur ("Um.") was hilarious. Awesome, awesome job. :D
thedeadparrot: mentallyscarred!Wilsonthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 09:56 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I think the key to good humor is all about the tone, so I'm glad that it worked. And yeah, what exactly does one say when one finds a dinosaur in one's office? "Um", I think, is a good choice.
daisylily: eating Chinese and laughing: houselollydaisylily on March 25th, 2007 05:37 pm (UTC)
That was completely ludicrous and very funny indeed - I enjoyed the epilogue a lot, too. And yay! for the SNES (I still have mine, somewhere).
thedeadparrot: save your mortal soulthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 11:06 pm (UTC)
Super Mario World is like my favoritest game ever. Seriously. I still play it on ZSNES a lot.
Jessicacsi_vixen on March 25th, 2007 05:37 pm (UTC)
This is crack!tastic. Very cute, and I can totally see both House and Wilson getting attatched to things they originally thought were nuisances (well, I can see Wilson doing it more than House, but House can do it too.)

... and now I want a dinosaur of my very own.
thedeadparrotthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 11:12 pm (UTC)
I totally want a dinosaur, too. This wasn't wish fulfillment at all. Totally.

And yes, who wouldn't get attached to a dinosaur. It's a dinosaur.
from the people who brought you stalin:earlwyn on March 25th, 2007 05:41 pm (UTC)
You are the crack!master. Crack. Master. I bow before your ingenuity.

My god, this is like my eight-year-old self's wet dream come to life. Pet dinosaurs and Mario and homosexuality. (Um. One of those isn't exactly true - it might be the Mario.) But no. My eight-year-old self thanks you for supply this ridiculous thing.

Though I totally agree with House that ripping off The Land Before Time is lame.

The dying-elephant and dying-whale rejoiner was my favourite part. And Wilson being pleased he made his triceratops happy. And being somewhat disappointed that the Mario music wasn't on. Because, I agree. It looses some of the fun without the music.

Can I friend you, O Writer of the Crack?
thedeadparrot: flyingthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 11:14 pm (UTC)
Of course you can friend me! I'll even friend you back. Because you're awesome!

Mario is awesome. I mean, he kills evil turtle-like things! He can throws fireballs! He has his own pet dinosaur! He's a plumber! And the Mario music makes my life worth living.

I loved the Land Before Time. :(
(no subject) - earlwyn on March 25th, 2007 11:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thedeadparrot on March 26th, 2007 12:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - earlwyn on March 26th, 2007 12:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
thedeadparrot: crouching tigerthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 11:19 pm (UTC)
I approve of The Land Before Time. Cera was my favorite for OBVIOUS REASONS. And yes, thanks! I'm glad you liked it.
Dee Laundrydeelaundry on March 25th, 2007 05:47 pm (UTC)
Love. Love, love, love, love. *mems*
thedeadparrotthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 11:21 pm (UTC)
Thanks! *bows*
jerico_cacawjerico_cacaw on March 25th, 2007 05:55 pm (UTC)
He tried not to imagine his gored out innards staining the carpeting of his office. House probably wouldn't put up another stink if they tried to replace it, though Wilson liked to pretend House cared that much. It was a nice thought.

The triceratops made a sort of whimpering sound that vaguely resembled an elephant dying (not that Wilson had first hand experience or anything). It also looked at him with baleful eyes, and Wilson started feeling bad for it.

Because all his own office plants had already been eaten, he decided to steal some of Dr. Brown's. It wasn't like he'd notice or anything, and Wilson was still his boss.

Oh My God. And Wilson trying to charm it. God, God, God. I love how pathetic (but sweet) your Wilson is.
thedeadparrot: blurthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 11:28 pm (UTC)
Alas, I think my Wilson's not so much as pathetic as overwhelmed here. I mean, really, what does one do with a dinosaur?
(no subject) - jerico_cacaw on March 26th, 2007 03:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Mushroom Samurai_dragoonqueen on March 25th, 2007 05:55 pm (UTC)
omg. LMAO.
srsly. i've just busted a lung. your crack is MY CRACK!
ok that sounds wrong. SHHHHH.
thedeadparrotthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 11:29 pm (UTC)
Thanks! And I am willing to share my crack anytime.
Never play volleyball with a Toclafane: Oral Fixationdrunken_hedghog on March 25th, 2007 06:07 pm (UTC)
Crack! Dinosaur crack!! Dinosaur H/W Crack!!! *flatlines*
thedeadparrotthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 11:31 pm (UTC)
Seriously. Fuck love. What the world</i> House fandom needs is dinosaurs.
(no subject) - drunken_hedghog on March 26th, 2007 11:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
Imaginary Researcher: love - blottshannahrorlove on March 25th, 2007 06:22 pm (UTC)
That was delightful.
thedeadparrotthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 11:33 pm (UTC)
Pool in shorts is stupidpetrichor_fizz on March 25th, 2007 07:01 pm (UTC)
Dinosaurs. You gave them dinosaurs. And they are happy together in a house with pet dinosaurs.

That... is perfect.
thedeadparrot: wilsonthedeadparrot on March 25th, 2007 11:36 pm (UTC)
I mean, a House, a house, and pet dinosaurs, what more does Wilson need?